When we talk about being mindful, we start with the breath and move on from there; towards eating mindfully, walking mindfully or driving with intention; listening to our hearts.
When we are parenting children, our hearts are often intertwined with the hearts of our kids as well as our spouses’ heart. Having different interests, needs and priorities gets amplified with the number of personalities that constitute ones family.
My first step towards being a connected parent is being sure that some of my desires are met. Yes, some not all. Since some of my needs are not aligned with the needs of my children or my spouse, I listen to my heart to find the ways that I can balance our needs daily, therefore simplifying our lives.
Hard to do? Yes but possible!
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Language is a difficult topic to cover when thinking about parenting. There are so many different ways our culture uses language, and many families have unique ways of communicating. Most of us know to stay clear of sarcasm, condescending statements, and hurtful tones of voice, but how many of us have thought about the conflicting messages that we can send to our children?
What if we tell our children that they are unique and beautiful on the inside, yet we insist on having our kids leave the house looking a certain way each day?
Or if we talk about loving the planet, saving money, and recycling, but our favorite pastime is shopping?
Growing up so fast, no need to speed things up!
A friend of mine has the wonderful ability of talking slowly and deliberately. It is beautiful to watch. Yes, at times you want her to get to the point but each of her sentences are intentional and reflect her true thoughts. I, on the other hand, talk and talk until I figure out my point while I talk. I was named the ‘non-stop talker’ in Tibetan by a monk I was visiting in Spain.
Parents refer to their children as their babies. Then soon after they might say something like : “Be a big girl and go potty,” or “Be helpful to your mom,” or “Be a big boy and set this on the table.” Then the same child will be told they are not old enough to do something or told: “You’re too little to stay up late.”
I found that it was helpful to look into my speech habits to see if I was contradicting myself. I have worked hard to teach my daughter to step away and calm herself before reacting by breathing and thinking of a way she can be positive towards an unexpected situation. Yet I often react instantly to her actions or sibling disagreements. I’m working on taking my own advice to her, and trying to calm myself when my children present me with unexpected situations.
Does your language follow the values you instill in your children?
Do your values reflect the actions your children see you do everyday?
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Slowly becoming apparent.
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Tagged Child, coaching, community, creativity, culture, discipline, Home, intention, monk, Mothers, opinion, parenting, politics, power, pregnancy, society, support, tibet
Once a week I am a dorm parent to eighteen teenage boys; it is a totally fascinating experience. I watch them navigate space with their bodies and their interactions are so awkward – full of uncertainty, strength and confusion.
When I feed my daughters everything is homemade, organic and nutritious. The boys know this (I think) since when I am in their space I read books like Mindful Birthing, The Birth Partner or I sit and crochet. They usually stay clear of me; just the way my brothers stay clear of me when I drink nursing tea.
Looking up to teenage spontaneity
A few weeks ago the boys were studying for exams, so I prepared 40 of those Pillsbury instant croissants and biscuits that come out of pop out tubes. I also had carrots, almonds and juice.
Well, Pillsbury doughy goodness brought all the boys to my feet. They congregated around the table, eating with abandon and joy. Seeing this level of sheer bliss reminded me that as parents we try to control everything. I wanted to feel this freedom they were experiencing from biting into something without thinking anything. I wanted to be able to just mindfully enjoying the flavor, texture and moment of filling my stomach without thinking about nutrition or the corporation that brought me the product.
So a week later I took a big step, I bought one of those Pillsbury croissant tubes and let it sit in my refrigerator. Then a week after that, once the girls were asleep, I baked the 8 croissants, sat in my bed and ate 4 of them. It was divine! I left the other 4 for my husband who was returning late from hockey and he agreed; they were divine.
Being around these boys on a weekly basis often teaches me about letting go, about just being our awkward selves. For the most part each one of these boys are very different from each other, yet they cohabitate at such a young age and are still accepting of each other (sort of!). I often want to scoop them up and bring them home. Make them my pet sons. I know this is not a possibility but at least I get to learn from them every Sunday evening.
Becoming a Parent-Heidi Ahrens
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Tagged children, coaching, cook, counseling, creativity, family, food, growing up, health, Home, nutrition, parent, parenthood, parenting, perspective, pregnancy, relationship, support, teenagers
Surrounding Yourself with Decent people
If you are concerned that your child develops strong and positive relationships then it is important that you model this kind of dynamic. Your kids learn from you. If you go out with friends and return talking about crazy stories, unhappiness, and gossiping, your kids will think that this is a key part of friendship and time away from family. Instead, cultivate positive friendships and make sure that you are having good conversations about, as well as around, your children and your spouse.
Follow your path and bring your friends and children along
Sometimes we hold on to friends because they remind us of our crazy past, they bring drama to our lives or they uplift our seemingly boring life because their life is so much more complicated than ours; be careful! Having decent people in your life is rewarding because they will support you and remind you of your values when the going gets tough.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to dump your close long-time friends because they are dramatic or have ‘unhealthy’ lives. The main part of friendship is to be compassionate and giving. Just make sure you don’t feed their bad habits or condone their lifestyle.
Decent people, at times, may seem hard to find or slightly boring (compare to your ex-boyfriends, best girlfriend, who lives out of a shoe box, and sells macaroni necklaces for a living and is a professional pole dancer) but strong friends that support you will be the ones to lean on and be an examples to your children.
Aligning your friends with your values may take time, but stick to your commitment because if you do then you will truly feel like a part of a community that you can look at and see your own values reflecting within.
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Tagged children, coach, coaching, community, family, Friendship, Home, parent, pregnancy, relationship, rituals, Services, support
This is a short blog because it is about something we all hold so dear: time.
I am too busy
I have been so busy
I did not have the time
Where did it go?
Hold on a minute…
Maybe in an hour I will have time
We make our own time. We are the creator of our own time fillers.
When I think of some statements around time like “ I have been busy” or “ I had no time”, I realize that it really means that I did not make xyz a priority, or xyz was not something I wanted to do with my time. I know that often these honest answers would be hurtful to the person questioning me about my day, but most of the time I am very much in control of my day and fill them with things that bring me happiness. Often, I can’t fill the day with all the things I would love to do, but I prioritize. This does not mean that I am unhappy with my busy life, it just means that I filled my time with things that bring me joy or closer to understanding.
Do you know of another way to say “I have been busy” or “I had no time” that does not carry the negative connotations of time wasted or stress?
What is your relationship with time? Why are we so protective of our time? Why are we so busy, yet we want to have more time to do?
Becoming a Parent!
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Tagged birth, childbirth, coaching, consultation, counseling, extendedfamily, family, kids, mindfulness, New York Times, Nuclear family, nursing, parenting, pregnancy, school, siblings, single family, support, vaccination
OK! You are looking over your shoulder and thinking thoughts about that parent near the monkey bars. Filling your head with negative energy, you either criticize yourself or the parenting style being displayed.
We all have moments in which we think we shine as parents and others don’t; we also get really embarrassed by things we say to our kids or the way we act around them.
My challenge for you this week is to try out these two scenarios:
1) For one whole day act differently than you do on most days. If you are a sloppy parent that does not do dishes and leaves laundry piled around the house then clean-up and be orderly. If you are super neat and put together then go out in your sweat pants, don’t bother with a home cooked meal and don’t clean the toilet. You get the idea…
2) On another day try being the super involved parent; play Legos all day, pretend to drink tea and flutter like a fairy. If you are already that parent, drag your child to the nearest coffee shop, get a coffee, go shopping and complete your to-do list.
Remember to reflect after each exercise and see what the positive outcomes are of acting differently than you normally do and how it feels to get back to your old self.
Food for thought:
How do you think your child feels when you ask them to act differently than they are?
What do your children learn when they see you talking positively or negatively about others?
Can your child learn from you stepping out of your ‘regular’ self?
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Tagged art, birth, breastfeeding, childhood, children, coaching, creative, creativity, family, friend, kids, life, nursing, parent, parenting, perspective, pregnancy, relationship, support, zine
Make it a good year! A year of…
It is up to you to fill in the blank.
On New Year’s Day I attended a wonderful workshop at True Nature it was a time to access yourself and invite in the new year. Rod Striker led us through a guided meditation, while Deva encouraged us to open up to a year of love.
In coaching, like in spiritual practice, or when a new year comes we are often asked to create an intention. Often these are so specific they are so easy to break, or unrealistic. ( No more ice cream or become a millionaire by fall).
Let your intentions transform your outward and inward self
When we look at our family life or our parenting style we can either break down our relationships to action and decision making, or we can look at the overall feeling of our presence around the ones we love: simple, loving, kind, accepting, conscious, and mindful. At times we realize that sometimes the essence of our parenting is not based in creativity – it can come from deep roots of fear, pain, uncertainty, frustration, or depression.
This year don’t dwell on the details or on the source of your family’s ills; rather, open yourself up to pure joyful discovering by inviting a year of … into your life!
Here are a few ideas, but I am sure you can come up with your own:
- A year of joy
- A year of curiosity
- A year of stillness
- A year of contemplation
- A year of adventure
- A beautiful year
- A creative year
- A year of happiness
- A year of silence
- A year of playfulness
- A year of simplicity
- A conscious year
Please let me know what you come up with. Have a well-thy 2013!
Becoming a Parent!
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